Episode Summary: No Sex Zone

What Happened When I Stopped Having Sex For 1 Year

Listen to the Catch Some Z’s episode “No Sex Zone” to get the full story!

At the time this episode aired (July 2019), I had gone one full year without engaging in any sexual activities. I made the official declaration of abstinence in December 2018 even though it had been 5-6 months since I’d had sex. It’s not something that I went around broadcasting but it did become a fun topic of conversation in my friend groups. However, when I do tell people about it, they are surprised, confused and intrigued. So I’ll share some more details about it with you now.

Come As You Are

After my college relationship ended, I decided that I wanted to spend my final year of undergrad developing the proverbial “ho-tation” - word to Issa - and that would require some “thottin’ and boppin’” on my end. And while I put myself “out there” in a way that I hadn’t before, the overall mission felt pretty unsuccessful. All of my interactions were important for the sake of growth and development but overall, they were nothing to write home about.

Then I was scrolling the Twitter timeline and someone asked “if you had to marry the last person that you had sex with, would it be a good marriage?” and my response was “Heavens no!” Then, I went down the list of ALL of my past partners and realized that I was mortified at the thought of marrying any of them. So then I figured that if (all) these people weren’t ideal partners, why did they ever have access to me? And just like that, I came to the conclusion that I would simply not have sex until I could do better for myself. 

I Have Never Been Satisfied

It’s important to note that this decision was actually the result of a few years of internal reflection which culminated in this “drastic” act. Bref, my overall dating (or otherwise) history left a lot to be desired. We ended up not being appropriate fits for one another and it only made the experiences poor. And - in an effort to be accountable - I had a history of expecting certain things from people who were very clear about not being able to meet those expectations - in which case I only had myself to blame for any dissatisfaction. At the same time, I found myself sacrificing my interpersonal boundaries and standards to accommodate people who were not adding any real benefit to my life. And as much as I wanted to keep things super casual, there was still some semblance of a relationship that you had to have in order to get from point A to point B and I simply was not interested in the emotional investment associated with it all. 

Eat, Pray, Abstain

So the 2019 New Year was approaching and things weren’t looking up so I decided to take the “new year, new me” challenge and I declared indefinite abstinence. First I gave myself until Easter to see how things were going. Once I passed that checkpoint I held out for the duration of the summer. I said, “if nothing happens over the summer, I’ll just hold out until 2020.” As noted before, this episode was recorded during July 2019 and, folks, I held out until 2020 (and beyond). But it really wasn’t as big of a challenge as you might be led to believe. Largely because, in addition to me wanting to work on my boundaries, I was also sick of not having orgasms. Modern hook-up culture is what you make of it, but orgasms are not up for interpretation. I am someone who enjoys sex but I only enjoy good sex. And while most of my trysts were simply fine, it wasn’t enough to inspire continued action. I concluded that I would not achieve great sex by continuing to have mediocre sex so I stopped the sex altogether. 

The Year of No Sex

The incredible women over at Adultin’ Series thought my story was interesting and invited me to join them on an Instagram Live conversation about sex, dating, and relationships. One of the things that we talked about on Live that I talked about in the episode were my overall expectations. One of the benefits of my Year of No Sex was that it did allow me to take a deeper look at my patterns and why I found myself in the circumstances that brought me no pleasure. If any one of my friends were in the situations that I found myself in, I would have advised against them. I had to ask myself why I didn’t offer myself that same advice and attention to detail. As it turns out, I was being incredibly hypocritical and I don’t like being a hypocrite, so I had to nip everything in the bud.

It came down to me being more intentional about where my time, energy, and attention was going. And it was also about making sure that I don’t engage any future partners who are actually a waste of time. If I can establish healthy and productive boundaries when it comes to every other aspect of my life, I need to do the same when it comes to romance and sex. 

When You Really Think About It

The Year of No Sex also helped remind me of how I used to be before I was jaded by life. I realized that as I grew up, I slowly but surely started on the path that would ultimately lead me to my dream life ,and the only area that wasn’t shaping up was my romantic life. My family, friends, education, professional experiences, and even leisure activities were falling into place and the area that kept deviating was the “partners” area. And I recognize that it was largely a result of plenty of things a bit outside of my control (puberty - mostly, society, etc.) The good news is that I see the issue, I am fixing it, and moving past that. And right now, sex (and the pursuit of it) is something I sacrificed to come to this realization.

Wrapping Up 

Right now, Tracee Ellis Ross seems to be living a life that I can agree with. She’s in her beautiful home, her skin is clear, she swims whenever she wants, and doesn’t seem to be bogged down by any man’s nonsense. But, anything is possible. The longer that I go without having sex, the more it’s going to take for someone to convince me that it’s a good idea to do it again.

So while I’m not saying that quitting guys and (bad) sex has been one of the smartest decisions that I’ve made...I’m also not NOT saying that. Because in that year of abstinence I did the most traveling I’ve ever done in my life, saw my favorite performers live in concert, and started making more money. You can do the math yourself. 

Whether it’s sex or some other area of your life that isn’t bringing you satisfaction, I encourage you to think of ways that you can improve that situation. Stay positive and do whatever is best for you. 

What do you think about my year of abstinence? Could you do something like that? Have you ever done something like that? Let me know!

Listen to “No Sex Zone” and other episodes of Catch Some Z’s here!