4. Coach of Cuffing Season
Seazon 1 Episode 4
Is marriage the goal? Or is it being the travelling aunt with a mysterious amount of money? Do you think I can find a happy medium?
Transcript
[00:00:00] Hello, hello, everyone.
[00:00:03] Thank you for tuning in to Catch Some Z's, this is going to be an episode about romantic relationships, not to be that girl, but I'm going to be that girl. And all of this is mostly inspired by obviously real life and my own experiences. But also there was a tweet that was going around and it said something pretty powerful. And this particular tweet wasn't something that I haven't heard before. I've actually heard it before a few times in my life. But for whatever reason, the way that it was worded kind of resonated with me. And I still can't find it right now. But it was along the lines of "people tell you exactly who they are in the beginning and it's up to you whether or not you believe them." And that's just kind of - that's kind of the attitude and the energy that we're using for today's episode, so sit down, buckle up, take all your safety precautions, because I think I'm going to go there today.
[00:01:03] So this whole thought process and everything started in halfway through 2017. So June (?) When I got out of my last relationship and I was just very set on different, I guess, romantic goals or... Yeah, we're just going to say romantic goals that I had for myself and they varied. I wanted to go on dates with people who I, you know, didn't know and wanted to hang out with people who I did know and just different things. I was really craving new experiences and I kind of forced it upon myself. So obviously it didn't work. And I spent that summer trying to "thot and bop" and was very unsuccessful and I had a lot of conversations with my girlfriends, a lot of conversations with my mom. And we were all just kind of reflecting over the types of relationships that we've had, you know, committed or, you know, short term, whatever the case was. And, you know, with the exception of a few of us, they were all, you know, obviously we learned our lessons and we had our time with, you know, our respective partners.
[00:02:04] But they kind of all ended in ways that forced us to grow to some degree. And whether it was a product of some type of like mental or emotional abuse or even in some cases, some people experienced physical abuse. And, you know, we're all sitting here and collectively - at least those of us who were single - kind of decided that we needed to stay single for a little bit before we, you know, looked for the next exclusive romantic venture. And so that was kind of my mood when I entered my senior year of college, I was like, you know, to myself at least, I was like, listen, you know, you're single, you're willing to mingle, but it's not required. And, you know, if I thought someone was cute or handsome, I was letting them know. If someone thought that I was cute and they let me know I would appreciate that or whatever the case was, you know, I was just very open to those things just because, you know, I had one boyfriend in high school and then I had one boyfriend in college.
[00:03:02] And that was that was really it for me. And I don't think I really ever gave myself that time to just do whatever a little thottin' and boppin occurred, you know, during senior year, but nothing too crazy. And even from those experiences, I was still relatively unfulfilled. I was still met with the same, I guess, the things that turned me off from my previous relationship. I was experiencing those same things with the people that I was thottin' and boppin with. And even though those relationships weren't exclusive, they weren't committed or whatever the case was, it was still frustrating to have to go through that with people who were intentionally temporary. So that kind of turned me off from everything in general. And I was really just chilling. And especially this past summer, you know, when I was sitting in my room before we had heat and -excuse me - before we had AC and Internet and I was just sitting in my room sweating, I was sitting down thinking about, you know, why do I continue to put myself through these situations? And girl, when I tell you that I had the revelation of a lifetime, it really went back to like my childhood and my upbringing and a lot of things that I valued for myself and something that I realized that I had to come to terms with was this I'm going to talk really quickly, but that's why you're here. And let me know if anyone else has anything similar that they can share. But I grew up watching, you know, like a lot of Disney films. And this summer I realized that these princess movies had such a crazy impact on the way that I view not only the world, but like my personal views on myself - one, but then also my expectations for relationships.
[00:04:43] Now, that's not to say that, you know, I shouldn't hold myself up to a high standard and expect only the best. But I was convinced that, you know, people are always going through phases and they just need to be exposed to positivity and, you know, love and happiness and all that good stuff, even if they're going through a phase. So that way, then they can be open to that. And so whenever I came across someone, if I had a romantic partner or a romantic interest who I don't know, maybe was going through a troubling time in their life or had a rough aspect of their upbringing, my thought was, OK, well, as long as I showed them love, happiness, positivity, etc., it'll be fine. They'll see the light and we can live happily ever after, essentially. And quite literally, every time I was exposed to that, or rather every time I did something like that, I was 100 percent disappointed because it was definitely naive of me to even think that way. And whether it ranged from something super small to someone I was interested in telling me, you know, "despite what you think, I'm just like everybody else." So they were essentially telling me that they were going to waste my time, but I didn't want to believe it all the way to people telling me "I'm a bad guy, I'm awful, I'm horrible." And me being like, "oh, no, you're just saying that." No, they're saying exactly who they are. They're saying exactly what they are. There's no reason that I need to be trying to ignore that. And I knew from an early age, also, don't ever go into a situation with, like a romantic partner trying to change people because that's not going to work.
[00:06:17] And also, how would you feel if someone came in and tried to change you? Personally, I think I'm pretty cool. There's not much that needs to be changed about me in my professional opinion, but, you know, other people might feel differently. And so I knew that I wasn't going to ever go into something and be like, "yes, you're great. However, we're going to change these things." Cause the whole point of you being attracted to someone is you're attracted to who they are and what sense does it make to even try to change those things? But at the same time, you know, I found myself trying to, I guess, be like an indirect inspiration. So, again, if someone was struggling, I'd be like "listen, I struggled too. Obviously our struggles are different. However, I just know that it's possible to get through it." But then I ended up spending the majority of those relationships, trying to subtly inspire them while they're living their lives and not really being receptive to my inspiration, which again is fine, but that's that's not what either of us signed up for. So then what does it look like, me getting frustrated and upset with them not responding to me and at the same time, what does it look like to them with me trying to expose them to things that they simply don't want to be exposed to? And I had to sit down with myself this summer and I was like, wow, you really wasted a lot of everyone's time trying to do these things.
[00:07:40] And I was telling my mom I was like, you know, "listen, you might not get grandkids from me as soon as we thought", you know, granted, I'm only 22, not only 22, but I just personally don't feel ready for children. And despite whatever happens, I do know that when I do have children, I'll also have a partner to help raise those children. So, you know, in my in my childhood fantasy, I was well, my more mature childhood fantasy - my real childhood fantasy was me marrying Aaron Carter in Times Square and I had a big poofy dress on with gloves to my elbows. And as soon as we said "I do" and kissed, Reptar comes to the city to destroy it. And he and I have to save the world. But in my more adult fantasy, I was in a relationship from the ages of, say, 22 to 25 or six. Between the ages of 26 and 28, I get engaged to that person and then between 28 and 30 we get married and between 30 and 32, I pop out my boy and my girl and then that's it. And, you know, I'm working my dream career and he's doing his dream career. And we've got a big house to raise the children in with the dog and host the PTA meetings and whatnot and travel. We've done our traveling together, blah, blah, blah. But I'm 22 now and I am only in the beginning phases of making my six plus figure income.
[00:09:13] I'm not there yet. And if I were someone who did not believe in the power of manifestations, I'd say that that is looking a little bleak for me right now. I'm not in a relationship and that's just it. But I you know, again, I used college and all this time to kind of come back down to reality and say, "all right, listen, you know, you have these plans for yourself, but is that really what you're supposed to be doing?" And it's kind of hard to manifest a career when you don't even know what you actually really want to do in life. But that's for a separate episode. But I think that, you know, especially when you're pursuing a romantic relationship or even a platonic relationship, you know, you should always have expectations for yourself. And you know, what you're going to allow to be in your presence. That's definitely like a given, you know. And, you know, I I've always had expectations. Sometimes they were a little bit unrealistic. But even so, I'd rather them unrealistic and keep me safe than, you know, to be realistic and then that's me lowering the bar to something that virtually anybody can fulfill. You know what I'm saying? And I had a relationship once. I was trying to explain that, like, listen, you know, it's not even a judgmental thing. It's just I know what I've been through.
[00:10:28] I know what my worth is and I know what the kind of things that I should be exposed to and the kind of things that I shouldn't be exposed to. And, you know, he called me sadity, he called me closed-minded and all these things. And I'm like, you know, OK, I can understand why you might think that that's what these things are. But it's not because anyone who knows me, also knows that I'm super open-minded person. I'm always trying to learn new things. But when it comes to like my personal space, my personal health, especially when it comes to mental and emotional health, I can't just allow anything to be in my environment. And I've spent I've spent my entire life developing and cultivating an environment that is suited for me, you know, and that's with my friendships. That's with my relationships, with my family members, you know, that's with even my work environments. So. I think it'd be very hypocritical of me to then enter a relationship and let all of those things go, and he kind of had a problem with that. And ultimately, that's one of the reasons that, you know, we didn't last. But these are the types of things that you have to be honest with yourself about, because if I wasn't honest with myself, you know, I'd still be in either one of my relationships just because...just because of some B.S. and that, you know, you can't do that to yourself.
[00:11:51] We all deserve to explore love and, you know, happy emotions and stuff. And with those things also come sadness and pain sometimes. But, you know, we all deserve that chance to feel those things. And I was fortunate enough to feel those things, but I also knew when the time was up. So I had to let those things go when I couldn't be. I couldn't be bullied or pressured into staying in a place that I knew wasn't productive to my overall growth, my overall development, and my overall happiness and my peace. And, you know, both of them came to a certain point where they were no longer conducive to that. And so, you know, you've got to do the big thing and move on and remove yourself from that. And sometimes that also comes from comes with removing your relationship, I mean, your communications with that person. So it can be difficult, definitely, especially when you have to, like, read yourself the way I did this summer. But, you know, I think those are all really necessary parts of the romantic process. And that means the next time I enter a relationship, you know, I know what signs, I guess, to look for. And you know what things I know what things I uphold, the types of values I hold dear and the things I'm going to tolerate, the things that I'm not. And what I will say is, you know, there is a new boy.
[00:13:14] That's all I'm going to say on that. But he's the first person who hasn't come to me with "I'm an awful guy, I'm a bad guy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." From the very beginning, he told me he was the type of person who likes to talk about when he's upset and or if he's upset, he's not going to engage with me just because he knows that he's going to say things that aren't productive and he'll come back and revisit the topic when he's of a sound mind. That's what I love to do myself. That's what I do. And so the fact that, first of all, he was even open enough to say that to me was like, cool. You don't see a lot about that. Like you don't see a lot of that just in general. And then, you know, for him to never self-deprecate himself or self depreciate, I can't speak. But the point is, he's never come to me with "I'm a bad guy. I'm awful, you know, blah, blah, blah. I don't deserve this." No, he's very confident in himself and he knows what it is. He knows what it's not. And I didn't even realize that until like a few days ago when I was talking about other people who have done just that with one of my friends. And I was like, wow, you know what, he doesn't. And that in itself is super positive.
[00:14:21] And that's something that I've never experienced with people I've been in a relationship with or people I even just casually dated. And it's just really cool and very special to me. So already I know that I'm on the right path because of these little tells, so. It's definitely difficult, especially just being 22, like I'm not expecting to get married anytime soon, you know, right now my focus is...you know, doing good work for myself career wise and finishing out school even though I just started my graduate program and, you know, turning myself into the best version of me. So when the time comes to get into a relationship or my next relationship, whatever the case that I'm ready and I'm able to present something that I'm proud to present and I can be received in a way that I know I deserve to be received. The fact that I even mentioned a new boy right now was kind of not in my plans. I was supposed to be 100 percent focused for these next two years.
[00:15:17] And here comes this curve ball. But you know what? It's a nice curve ball. It's a welcomed curve ball. And I'm going to let it rock because like I said, we all deserve to experience those emotions. And the first time in a while that I've been, you know, super distracted in the best way possible and, you know, thinking about cute boys. And when I see their name on Instagram, I'm like, oh, there he is, you know, getting all excited, things like that. It's been a minute since I've done that. And it's a fun feeling. I'm not even going to sit here and pretend like it's not because it is. Details to come, I guess maybe not. You'll have to stay tuned to find out, but it's an interesting time period. Again, I'm really excited about just, you know, continuing to learn about myself. It's once you give yourself that chance to just be like, all right.
[00:16:05] You need a wake up call.
[00:16:07] It's kind of refreshing and it's very liberating to do that as well, especially the sooner you do it, the more you're able to grow and develop with that and you can continue to do it. So that way, like, you know what the feeling is, you don't have to feel like you're tearing yourself down at all, but. You're learning about who you are, you're learning about the things you like, the things you don't like, your values and you know, the types of things that you want to give to other people and the types of things that you want to receive from other people. And honestly, I think that's a really beautiful and a really powerful thing. In the comments, let me know what types of self-reads you've done for yourself recently, especially if it's been in regard to, you know, romantic relationships, because I can't be the only one out here who's talking to my wall about the things that, you know, I do in my in my habits. So let me know the types of things that you guys have been talking about.
[AD]
[00:17:01] So as you can hear, I have a podcast, but starting it wasn't necessarily the easiest decision for me to make because I had no idea about what an RSS feed was, how to go about distribution and on the off chance that the podcast became successful. I didn't know about how to go collecting sponsorships and, you know, getting paid. But then all of those answers came to me when I found anchor. I'm going to tell you a little bit about it. So Anchor is a one stop shop for recording, hosting and distributing your podcast. The best part is it's 100 percent free, super easy to use. And now anger can match you. Great sponsors who want to advertise on your podcast, which means that you can get paid to podcast right away, which is pretty much what I'm doing now. So if you ever had an inkling for doing a podcast, if you ever had the thought crossed your mind, I definitely recommend anchor. It's great. It's mobile. You can record directly from your phone. It's got great analytics on the website. It's just it's truly the one stop shop. So if you're interested and you want to make money with a podcast of your own, go to Anchor Dot FM. Start to join me and the diverse community of podcasters already using anchor. That's Anchor Dot FM start, ok. Don't say I never did anything for you.
[00:18:24] Now, I don't think that I, as a black woman, can sit here and have this conversation about romantic relationships in the year 2018 and not bring up Insecure, specifically our good, sis Molly. And you know her relationship with Dro and also, I guess, Candace, a little bit. For those who don't watch it, this might be a little bit of a spoiler. But, you know, it's OK. It's nothing too crazy. But, you know, you should probably also have started Insecure already. But in my self-read, I had to, you know, think about the things that I assigned high values to before I really even understood what they were. And one of those things being marriage, again, because the princess movies and the Disney Channel and the just the really wholesome content that I consumed from the ages of, you know, zero to what yesterday, you know, idolized marriage and, you know, the nuclear family; mom, dad, people who have been married for decades and still in love or even people who have been in love.
[00:19:34] And then things happen and they find divorced. I grew up with both my mom and my dad. However, they were never married. And then eventually after like after I was 10, you know, so I...I was fake grown,
[00:19:48] did their relationship kind of fizzle out and they just became like a co parenting thing rather than it was the relationship between the two of them. But I never you know, I didn't grow up in a household with a married family. And I do remember asking my mom sometimes like, "oh, when are you and daddy going to get married or are you guys going to get married?" And but I never really, you know, asked because I really wanted it earlier in my life. I was definitely, you know, more excited to see it than I was later on just because I you know, I learned more things. I learned more about the dynamic of their relationship. But, you know, for myself, I always saw myself getting married. And part of my childhood ideal was I wanted to really only have no more than like two boyfriends in my life. And, you know, I wanted to marry the last one, obviously. And quickly I realized that that wasn't going to happen, which, again, you know, it's fine. But I was, you know, for a while also before I ever got into a relationship, That was that's what that's how I was thinking. And, you know, again, after my most recent one and after just kind of, you know, living and learning a little bit more and just learning about not different options, I guess. But, yeah, different options and just the different way People different ways people express themselves and express their emotions. I was like, OK, maybe, you know, maybe I don't have to get married between 28 and 30 and pop out the kids between 30 and thirty two. You know, maybe, maybe the timelines push back a little bit. And then I started to think of myself and I was like, why do you value marriage so much?
[00:21:27] And I was like, wow girl, you really thinking? And I was like, what if I don't get married?
[00:21:31] And I was listening to The Read podcast and they were joking about how Oprah and Stedman have been together forever. And, you know, Kid Fury and Crissle, were talking about how it must be a nice little relationship that they got going. You know, when she whenever she has an event, you know, she always has a date regardless, you know, she can always go with Stedman he's always ready and, you know, and they were like, "oh, I bet he has like a she lets him get, like the guest house or whatever on the property. So he's not too far away, but she has her space." I was like, "yeah, you know, that's that's not too bad."
[00:22:04] You know, sometimes these boys, they be annoying. You've got to get away from them. But not too not too far because, you know, you still want cuddles. And it made me laugh, but I was really like, wow.
[00:22:13] Hmm. Interesting. And then I was thinking about the other half of my dreams, the ones that didn't involve romance, And, you know, marriage involved me just, you know, being. Just being kind of magnanimous and doing basically whatever I want, whenever I want. I always see myself with the money and the resources to do whatever, go wherever, whatever I want to do. And, you know, if that meant me picking up one Wednesday and saying, "I'm going to go to the south of France only because I want some southern French wine, that I can't get here in the States" and I would just go, you know, no problem. And one of my friends, she's always joking about how her mom swears that she's going to marry like a European man. And I was like, "what if I go to Europe and like, I have me like a little boyfriend in Spain are like a little boyfriend in France or both", you know what I mean?
[00:23:06] And I was like, why can't I? I was thinking about I was like, Huh, yeah. Why can't I? And I'm not saying that, you know, polygamy is my is my calling because I know for sure it's definitely not. But I needed to open myself up more to the idea of just...Really, really, really taking the time to explore
[00:23:29] Places and people and feelings prior to committing, because, again, my whole my whole philosophy was, "you know someone and you know them for a long time and you get to grow and love them, you know, for years and years and years.
[00:23:45] And then you get to get married to that person. They're already a great friend. And, you know, you never have to worry about divorce", which is great, but it just doesn't really seem like it's in the cards for me, at least not in the way that, you know, I'd characterize it in my head. And what seems to be more true for me now is just, you know, go out and meet people. And if you like them, you like them. If you don't, you don't. But, you know, I used to be so quick and fierce about, you know, "no, I can't do any of this unless it's from my actual boyfriend. We have to have a date. We have to have a commitment. We got to be exclusive", which is, you know, again, fine, but not for someone who maybe I have a crush on, you know, this day, And then now two weeks later, I'm claiming them as mine because it doesn't give you time to really get to know them, you know, and, you know, trying to find the balance in all of this.
[00:24:36] I'm trying to take that time.
[00:24:38] You know, if I'm interested in someone, I want to get to know them and take the time to get to know them and not move too fast, because I'm definitely very good for, you know, pushing it and pushing a relationship. And that's where Molly comes in. You know, we've seen Molly. She didn't want to date bull number one from season one because he worked at Enterprise. First of all, Molly, I know that you're a lawyer and you're making a lot of money, but Enterprise is not a bad gig, OK? Especially if he's a manager. So save it and then.
[00:25:08] You know her, and Dro, that's a situation, you know, she grew up with him, their best friend's dadada, and she's always been feeling him, but he's married. But him and his wife are supposedly in an open relationship. So now they get to do what they do or whatever. But now she doesn't feel, you know, the commitment and the exclusivity of a monogamous relationship because they're in an open marriage, you know, and she knew that going in, but she still did it. And now she caught herself what her feelings hurt. And it's like, what do you expect, Molls? But OK, whatever. Fine. And I just know again, for me personally, I do need to get to know someone. And I'm a very, I guess, nurturing person. I'm a very caring person and I'm just a nice person by nature.
[00:25:50] So even even in my friendships, some people have said, you know, people think either I'm flirting with them or, you know, I'm just going above and beyond the normal requirements and tasks of a standard relationship, be it platonic or romantic. And it's like, no, I'm just being a nice person and like I'm doing to you the things that I like to like have received. So, like, if it's a matter of, you know, like rubbing your shoulder when you're down, or just, you know, listening to you when you have a problem. I like listening with intent people have told me that I'm "so nice" for doing these things that I consider to be the bare minimum. And then sometimes that does get misconstrued when people are, you know, interested in me, they think that I'm more interested in them than I actually am just because I'm doing what my standard is. And that's not something that they're used to. So all of these things considered are even more of a reason for me to not try to jump into the relationships that I have done in the past. And it just, you know, emphasizes the whole, you know, take time to take time to date, you know what I mean? And especially, you know, I'm going to I'm going to throw social media under the bus just like a tad, because, you know, a lot of people, you see, they want to do very exclusive, very lovey-dovey husband and wife stuff with people that, again, they only met a month ago. And I'm not saying that, you know, you can't have a connection that's you know, that's fine. But then everyone gets upset when things end or things don't go the way they thought they would because no one took the time to get to know someone or people, you know, "she's cheating on me. He's cheating on me. We've been dating for three months."
[00:27:25] You've been dating for three months. Yeah, but have either one of you had the conversation about exclusivity? You know, did either of you say, "OK, yes, now we're going to take the next steps in this relationship. I'm going to make you my boyfriend. I'm going to make you my girlfriend?" Or did you just assume because, you know, you guys are doing a lot of hanging out and, you know, these days you can't assume because people people will bring you around their families and not just like mom and dad, but like you will meet grandparents, you will meet cousins, you will meet aunties who you haven't seen in like fifteen years.
[00:27:55] And people will still be like, no, this isn't my this isn't my spouse. You know, this is just someone I'm talking to, which. This is all fine and well, but if the communication, is not there, then everyone's kind of really out of luck. So I'm really trying to emphasize the whole dating aspect, plus the communication aspect. And again, this new thing that I've found myself in recently is doing a great job at that, which is another reason why I'm very excited, because we've been clear with our expectations. But we're also the type of people who you know, this is a situation where my niceness and stuff is not getting overvalued because he is also like a nice person and a caring person and whatever the case is. And so it's, you know, it's it's balanced, which is also very refreshing and feels good to not be the person who is, you know, doing a lot of the. The quote unquote, "nurturing", I guess, and it doesn't feel like I'm going over the top because I'm being met with the same types of behaviors, and again, I'm not going over the top. And I know he's not going over the top either. We're just being who we are and who we are. Just happens to be very compassionate people. But, you know, I think a lot of the times people forget the dating point.
[00:29:15] You know, one of my roommates, she met her current boyfriend on Tinder, but she took a smooth three and a half months to just hang out with him, go out, get some food, meet a little bit of the family, maybe meet the dog. You know what I meant? You know what I mean? And he met us, you know, like I want to say maybe like a month and a half in. But, you know, they took their time and now they've been together for...they just celebrated a year not too long ago. And it's like, cool, you know what I mean? But, like, it was like a nice it was a process. It was a gradual exposure. And it wasn't. "Oh, I like you. OK, now you're going to be my boyfriend and I'm going to buy you six hundred dollars worth of gifts, even though we've only known each other existed on this planet for like a month", like, that's a little bit foolish, you know what I mean? So I think I'm at the very least trying to take the time to casually date, get to know the people that I'm interested in and, you know, just see where it goes. I'm not going into it with expectations of, "all right, guess what, you're my next husband" because that's unrealistic and that's going to disappoint the both of us. Whereas, you know, you can just take the time to know if you even want to take that next step with someone else or not and.
[00:30:27] This is the year twenty eighteen, I went on like one "get to know you" date with someone a few more like more like seven months ago and that was kind of my actual first "get to know you" date. I've never gone on a date with someone who, like I met them. They're like, oh, you know, I think you're interesting. I want to, you know, just let's just go get coffee or something like that. That hasn't ever happened to me until. I was 21 years old, I went on dates with my people who I was like in relationships with already, but I never went on dates with them before we got to the relationship. And, you know, I think I think that's something very important. And, you know, with this new boy, we kind of have kind of really didn't have the same schedules. But it's OK, we're making it happen, you know what I mean? But the first time it ever happened for me was when I was 21. And that person, I saw them a few more times and things were fine and then it just kind of fizzled out. And here we are. And that's that's fine, you know. But I gave myself that chance and I've never given myself that chance before and. Now, it's definitely a little bit pressure, a little bit of pressure, I'm feeling, oh, I'm lying to you, it's not pressure I'm feeling, but it's kind of jarring. I'm sitting here and having this conversation about getting to casually know people and date, you know, before you get a relationship and. Like a few of my friends, I'm seeing engagement posts now and people are having babies. And, you know, these are all people I went to different levels of schooling with.
[00:31:56] And the thing is, though, I'm actually very happy and excited for literally everyone because, you know, this is the reminder that everyone's journey is different. And so I don't feel left out or anything like that, which is also a testament to my growth, because with my, you know, prior world view and thinking, I'd be seeing these engagements and being like, "oh, my gosh, why don't I have a boyfriend who's in love with me, who wants me to get married to him right now", but also. I'm in no position to get married to anyone right now, but the people who I see who are engaged and stuff like they totally are and it's a beautiful thing. And I just really hope that I'm. Invited to the wedding, but that's not why we're here, but. It's good to know who you are and what your expectations are for yourself. So I love seeing. I love seeing the different paths that we're all on, and I'm glad that I'm getting to a place now where I can recognize again that we all have different paths. And my point, B is always going to be different from someone else's point B and that's always going to be different from someone else's point B, you know, and you have to remember that because it can be very it can be very jarring. It can be very even intimidating when you see your peers reaching levels that you thought you might be able to reach in the same amount of time. And, you know, that's not just a reflection of you or a reflection of them. It's just different people reach different points at different periods, and that's fine.
[00:33:29] And again, you know, again, the social media thing, it can be very easy to get caught up in what others are doing and feel like you're not adequate enough to achieve your goals. And especially if you're someone like me, people still keep asking me, what are your plans after your MBA? Dude, I don't know. I know that I need to be in charge of myself. I know that I've got mad skills, yo. So you can quite literally put me in any job and I'm going to exceed at it. But I also know that I don't want to just work in any job. I know the places I don't want to be now, but that's where I'm at now.
[00:34:00] I know where I don't want to be as far as you know, career and work goes. But I. can't, at this moment, I'm having a hard time, you know, pinpointing exactly, yes, I want to do this, this and that, but these are things that, you know, I want to work on, you know, before I embark in a serious relationship. I want to be able to, you know, have those conversations with my partner, and be like, "yeah, boo, I want to be president of the United States, you know, that is my goal." And they can sit here and tell me "that's great because I want to be, you know, CEO of Pepsi" or whatever the case is, you know what I mean?
[00:34:39] We can have those conversations or the fact that I'm not able to make that.
[00:34:45] That that a solid answer right now, that's even a conversation that we can have. I'm aware of that, you know what I mean? And I think one of the most important things that people forget about embarking on relationships is that, you know, everything is a process and no one is going to walk into a relationship perfect and know exactly how to navigate it and know exactly what to do whenever there's a problem where no one's going to ever be able to avoid problems. But you're supposed to learn about yourself and about that other person. So that way, as time goes on, you guys become better at navigating those issues. And, you know, again, people tend to forget that sometimes because they have relatively unrealistic expectations about who they're supposed to be, what they're supposed to be, how they're supposed to act. And, you know, there really is no rule book.
[00:35:33] You know, just the bare minimum is you have to respect the person that you're with, be kind to them and, you know. Keep it pushing when things get rough and if things get too rough to the point where it's unhealthy for the both of you, don't try to, you know. Don't kill yourselves trying to make something work that's not supposed to work, you know, be thankful for the time that you had and then use that to move on and create more healthy relationships with different people. You know, you don't have to be bitter about something not working out. I mean, obviously, unless it was, you know, awful and, you know, there was abuse or whatever the case, it was toxic. But, you know, it was just a relationship that just didn't work out. You know, there's no need to bash the ex. I try not to even refer to my ex boyfriends as my ex. I just kind of say, you know, oh, my old boyfriend on my last boyfriend, whatever the case is, just because, I don't know, eX kind of has like for me at least, it kind of has like a a negative connotation. And at the end of the day, my relationships weren't negative experiences because I learned something the entire time. And regardless of if I was hurt or how I was hurt or whatever the case was, you know.
[00:36:49] Both of my relationships have lasted for over a year. One was two and a half years, one was one and a half years. And so, you know, that's a significant amount of time. And if I were to sit here and say "I've wasted two and a half years or I know I wasted a year and a half", that's just me lying because I was an active part of both of those relationships the entire time up until the moment it ended. So. That'd be me just being silly and dramatic, trying to say blah, blah, blah, this, blah, blah, blah, that as if I didn't enjoy myself because at the end of the day I did. Otherwise I wouldn't have been in it for as long as I was. So I tried to remove that, you know, that that a negative connotation. And I try to avoid using the term ex. You know, obviously it comes out sometimes, whatever. It's no big deal. But again, I try to remain very intentional. And the things that I say and the things that I put out into the world, just because, you know, I've got experience and I know that, You know, words words can manifest, so. I don't wish bad on any of them, and I just try to keep it, keep it neutral, keep it positive as much as I can, but a lot of the issues stemmed from, you know, a mix of my unrealistic expectations, plus some of the societal expectations and also, you know, me and them, too, but mostly me not taking the proper steps to properly get to know someone before.
[00:38:19] Entering a committed relationship with them, but these are the lessons that you learn, and the whole thing about mistakes and lessons is that you learn from them in an effort not to repeat them because you start repeating them. It becomes a choice. And it's not you know, it's not that you didn't know what you knew, but you just ignored it. And I, I like to learn from my mistakes, so I'm going to try to do better this next time around. Yeah. And if I don't, I'm going to read myself again and I'm going to let you guys know. So that way you guys can read me too, because I think I think it definitely makes a difference when other people call you out on your own nonsense, too. But I'm going to try to make sure that doesn't happen again. Let me know your thoughts on like relationships, especially in the age, I guess, of social media. What are your thoughts? Drop them down in the comments or. Send a video or something, I don't know, get creative.
[00:39:15] So in the spirit of romance and relationships, I leave you with a quote from one of the most iconic leaders of this generation and it being none other than Sir Michael Scott, former manager of sales at Dunder Mifflin Paper Company. And if you know, you know and he says, would I rather be feared or loved? Easy both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
[00:39:45] And honestly, if you get anything else from this episode, I think that would be it.
[00:39:51] No, seriously, guys, but, you know, you know, take some time. You just. Don't take yourself so seriously, but also at the same time, hold yourself up to the highest value and never, never settle don't ever lower your standards for anything because there's definitely someone or someones or something out there, you know, that's that's just for you. And don't feel like you got to subscribe to whatever is going on around you in order to be fulfilled, because that's not what's going to happen. So always make sure that you keep the faith and we'll do some more reads a little bit later. But for now, I'm going to go because I'm hungry. Yep, so I'll catch you guys on the next one. Peace out, Girl Scouts.