CSZ Rambles: 1/28/2018

Entry #1

This entry was the foundation for the first episode of CSZ “No Money, Mo’ Problems”. You can listen to it here.

I just looked at my bank account and realized that this final semester of school may be a little more than rough if I don’t figure something out. My checking account that pays the bills is currently in overdraft and my other account has money that is already designated for something. So now what?

I’ve noticed a pattern over the last few years when I apply to jobs via the internet or in person or whatever the case may be: I don’t get them. Like ever. I currently hold a job at Banana Republic because I was able to name-drop a past employee in my application. I held an internship with my county this past summer because I had connections. I’ve been told that I have a very competitive and compelling resume, and usually take the time to tailor it and make sure it is appealing to potential recruiters. 

So why can’t I get a job? 

A lot of times I blame it on my unique first name (something I’ve also addressed), but most times I just settle with “it’s not meant for me” which makes disappointment a lot easier to handle. I will admit that sometimes I can be bougie and I may say that I don’t really “see myself” working in a specific industry, but even so, I still value the work that people do; nobody is “too good” for a job. And if I’ve ever felt that way, I was humbled very quickly when those jobs didn’t hire me either. 

Plus, I’m sure it’s hard to find a paying job in a field that you can’t even verbalize yourself. You can’t ask people to help you get your foot in the door if you don’t even know what door you want to go into, or if that door even exists for you.

But who’s got the time to sit and ponder this when the bills are still coming and your bank account is dry? 

By this point in the entry, I would like to have a palpable solution but, since that has never been the case in my life, I’ll have to keep moving forward until something comes about. 

In the meantime, I’m going to handle the last of my financial responsibilities this week. I’m going to handle my academic and extracurricular responsibilities. I’m going to be thankful for the income that I DO have coming in, and I’m going to be a master budgeteer for the next few months or whatever. I’m going to continue to pray for clarity, internal growth, and the wisdom to take advantage of new opportunities as they present themselves to me.

Although this is a difficult time (and in the past, things like this have broken me) I will not let that same fear and feeling of defeat manifest itself. It is a constant internal battle almost and I don’t like the feeling of losing. I’m fortunate that I can even decide how I’m going to feel because not everybody can. And that’s okay too. The point that I’m trying to make is that some of us see a lot more struggle than others ever will. But there are different ways that we can rise above it. We can rise by elevating our mental space, we can rise by means of financial freedom, we can rise by making sure that the people we love don’t have to experience it, we can rise by doing better for ourselves. As much as I would love to cry right now about how broke I am and how I wish that the circumstances in my life were a little different, I don’t actually want to. Crying typically doesn’t make me feel better anyway. Personally, I respond to results. So I’m going to [step] practice, I’m going to do my homework, I’m going to a birthday celebration, and I’m going to put things in place for the podcast. 

In the prophetic words of teen pop sensation Hannah Montana, “Life’s what you make it, so let’s make it rock. Let’s make it rock!”

Thanks.