2. Got Me Lookin' So Lazy Right Now
Seazon 1 Episode 2
You know how you get into good habits and then fall off? And then you're disappointed with yourself for falling off but can't seem to get it together? Yeah...that. (Featuring a performance by my heater)
Transcript
[00:00:00] I saw you with her young girlfriend, Jade.
[00:00:06] Ok. So I was listening to my first episode and I ended it with a recommendation to anyone who did listen to it to watch an SNL skit starring Donald Glover. And that was it. At least there's a snippet of it. Hey, guys, this is Catch Some Z's. And I had a really great day today. I want to talk about it.
[00:00:26] So a few weeks ago, I had homework assignment and knew about it. Didn't do it until the day it was due. Like, I didn't start it until 3:00 p.m., it was due at 10:00 p.m., had to submit it online. All right, cool. It was a relatively simple assignment. Yeah, no problem. And I said, you know what you've got from three until 10:00 to do it. That's seven hours. Let's get it done. But then suddenly life happened and I ended up having to be away from my computer and not work on the assignment. And long story short, I started it at about maybe four thirty and worked on it till about five thirty before I had to go and handle the things that I handle. And I didn't get back to the assignment until nine, 15 p.m. It was due at 10:00. OK, so I rushed in the 45 minutes to do the assignment, get it done, submitted it. I submitted it at 10 o'clock and zero seconds, like I saw the time change on my computer. And it was a very strong finesse. I looked at the work that I submitted and I was like, all right, well, I'm just going to have to get the grade that I get. Fast forward a few weeks and my professor is talking about the assignment, he's like. Listen, guys. You know, this, that and the third happened. And basically I'm going to grade it. I'm going to give you your grade back. And, you know, if you have a grade that you don't like, it's fine. You can redo it. I'll give you until the end of November to get the assignment done. If you want to redo it. And if not, you can just hold onto your grade. And I was like, cool, you know, I don't have to redo it anyway, blah, blah, blah. Why did this man turn back the assignments today, calls me up and he's like, "you know, you could have done a lot better. I'm disappointed in you." And I literally got a 100 percent on the assignment.
[00:02:10] Can we talk about a finesse? Like, I just. Shout out to me. And this is what I've been doing. This is now - this is now grad school and I've been finessing like this. I didn't buy the accounting textbook for my accounting class and I just got my grade back. It's over now. The class. I got an A minus. I didn't buy any of my textbooks for any of my classes from my last semester of undergraduate studies. And I got an A in every single one. I graduated my entire undergraduate degree was the three point five. So that's cum laude, "cum loudy?" See? I can't even pronounce it. But you know what? I've got it. And there's [?????]. Okay. Yeah. And it kind of goes into a greater conversation that I have with a lot of my friends very often about how, you know, we feel like we're doing the bare minimum or less than the bare minimum. But it seems to be a pattern of the people around us doing their bare minimum. And, you know, there's definitely a difference in the quality. And for a very long time, I felt like I was never doing enough. I mean, I still feel like I'm never doing enough. This podcast is a great example because there's like a four or five month time span between the first filming of the first episode versus the second or third one. But whatever, it's fine. But, you know, I do constantly feel like I'm not doing enough
[00:03:36] I know I know that I'm capable of doing more. I know that I should be doing more. And it just gets difficult. But, you know, it's an internal conflict. And then I see the results of, like, the work that I do do. I'm not a child. I see the results of the work that I do. And. Even when it's not, you know, at my 100 percent, it is still at a level that's like vastly more acceptable than whatever is being put forth by, I guess, the masses, the common people, the peasants, locals. And so I was talking with my friends the other day and I'm like, you know, imagine if I actually put in the work that I know I could put in. Imagine I gave my one hundred percent consistently like there's - there'd be no stopping me. And we're sitting here thinking about that and we're like, okay, so why aren't we? You know? And it's just like then we sit down and we feel dumb. And then I stay in my bed all day because I'm like wow you could be doing so much and you're not. That's sad. Instead of actually doing it, it's like, what the heck, man? I look at people like Beyoncé this is a pro-Beyoncé platform, by the way. So you get used to it now. It's not going to change. But someone like Beyoncé who knew exactly what she wanted to do from such a very young and early age, and it wasn't even so much about, you know, I want to be a star.
[00:04:56] It was you know, I'm a talented singer and I enjoy performing. So I want to sing and I want to perform. You know, that's all it was. It just so happened that she turned out to be one of the biggest names because she put in that effort. She was dedicated to what she was doing and she wanted it to -s he wanted to put out a product that she was proud to put her name behind. And, you know, mix that with her insane work ethic and the fact that she may or may not be an actual human being, then she's, you know, garnered such success. So I look to my friends and I see the work that we're doing. And it's so inspiring because all of my friends, you know, I am very good with surrounding myself, with quality people. Every single one of my friends are doing something amazing. And I'm the first one to gas them up and hype them up like you go girl to your thing blah, blah, blah. I can't wait to see you succeed because they're already showing, you know, like the foundations of that. And then people say the same thing to me, and I'm like, what are you even talking about, you know, you're saying, oh, you're doing such great things. And I'm like, Well, you told me I'm only just getting my masters degree that's nothing.
[00:06:03] And it took me a while, you know, after I got accepted into my MBA program, even after I started classes, everyone's like, good for you. You are going, girl. You're getting your masters, you're gonna have your master's degree by the time you're 23. And I'm like, so like, what do you mean? And like, it took me so long to even understand that. Wait a minute. That's that's pretty. That's a pretty big deal. And people are looking at me crazy because it took me, you know...halfway through my first semester to be like, oh, yeah, I guess a master's degree is pretty neat, you know, and I'm so fortunate. I'm aware that I'm so fortunate that I'm so blessed to even be pursuing a higher degree. But I just it just didn't register in me because I just always constantly feel like I'm not doing enough, like, for my own self, my own, you know, my own ambitions. I feel like I'm never doing what I need to be doing. And at the same time, I'm also, you know, super busy usually and always doing something. And so it's a very weird dichotomy. It's like, how do you how do you feel so unfulfilled? But you're also putting in so much work at the same time and also seeing results from that work. Like, maybe maybe I'm just dumb. I don't know.
[00:07:09] But I also know that it's not just me, but the important thing is to keep working on that and keep challenging yourself like that. I'm good. I'm happy that I'm aware that I feel, you know, I guess not incomplete, but I feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm not satisfied. Satisfied. Shout out to the Hamilton fans. I'm sorry. I'm not satisfied with what I'm doing. And it's good that I'm aware of that. That way I can, you know, take the steps to change that. And you guys are seeing that in relatively real time, even with this platform, because, again, this is - this is me journaling, essentially, just audibly the things that I'm feeling about my life and how I'm getting from point A to point B and then from point B to point C and, you know, even something as simple as this. And, you know, it takes a lot out of me - it doesn't take a lot out of me, it's not what I'm trying to use. But it can just get really, you know. It can be hard to get into a good routine sometimes. I also might be a little bit depressed or a lot of bit depressed. I haven't seen a therapist yet, but that's on my list of things and that definitely might be a contributing factor to my laziness and why I do or don't do things? But you know, that's not your concern. But definitely let me know if you've ever experienced, you know, a feeling of not being good enough or not doing enough for yourself or not doing - not doing what you know that you can do, because I know it can't just be just me.
[00:08:45] I think another very important thing that I need to grasp is my laziness and just how it affects me and my overall, I guess, mental state. I've always been lazy and I've always been aware that I've been lazy. But you could have asked me back when I was eight. "Oh, Zanaiya. Are you lazy?" Yeah, I am. And I own that. But it's it's a laziness...that's...It can be, I guess, debilitating if I let it get out of hand. I mean, I. I don't know. I don't know any way that laziness has ever been positive. But I'm looking back on some of the journal entries that I wrote to inspire my episodes - That's how I do this. I write down my feelings and what's gone on my day or my week, whatever the case is. And I just kind of just put it all out there in my mind. And then I collect the themes, essentially. And one of them is talking about my laziness and how when I get let the laziness overcome me, then it manifests itself physically, usually in whatever space I occupy. And then that in turn ruins my headspace. So, for example, I stayed up last night until three o'clock in the morning to do laundry because just the way my life was set up in the way my schedule was set up, I wasn't able to do laundry for like three, four weeks. So I had like six or eight loads (I forget) that I had to do. I came home and it was almost 4:00 a.m. and by the time I showered and, I actually got in the bed. It was almost five. And I just finished today putting the clothes away and hanging them up and stuff. And now, you know, I can see the space on my floor and things like that, but.
[00:10:33] It'll be like, you know, once the laundry is piling up, we're like, let's say, you know. I know a bunch of us have, you know, the chair in our room that ends up being the laundry chair or whatever the case. But, you know, I'll see that pile up and I'm like, damn, I need to go do some laundry. Well, then I look at that pile and it's just like, wow, that pile's making me really sad. I don't want to I don't want to see it anymore. But in order to not see it, you have to go do laundry. But then the thought of doing the laundry kind of just gets you down and it's a whole thing. But I also know that once the laundry is done, I'm going to feel so good and my space is going to look so much better and I'm gonna be inspired to keep it clean and all that stuff. Just cause overall, like, you know, I I'm I'm not a dirty person, but I can be very messy or mildly messy, depending on who you ask. But I don't. Like, I'm not the type of person where the messiness is like, oh - I mean yes it's organized chaos. But like, I'm not ever pleased with it. It just kind of happens. And then when I have the time to, you know, put things where they're supposed to go and everything like that, like, I feel so much better when my desk is clean and when everything is where it's supposed to be.
[00:11:41] But usually I'm in a rush to do things. I've been working on, you know, planning my outfits and stuff like that ahead of time. So I don't have to rush and mess up my closet and stuff like that. But I'm looking at two of my eye shadow palettes right now that are supposed to be in a bin, but it's just sometimes a hassle to get get to that bin so that eye shadow palettes are out. But because they're out there taking up space of another item. And so that item is somewhere else. And, you know, it's it's a little bit of a cycle, but I'm going to do that tomorrow I've been making lists to address it. But, you know, these are baby steps, I guess, because I'm just trying to recognize the things that don't bring me peace. The things that don't bring me joy. And the things that overall that I'm in control of. So that way I can control, at least to that degree, my happiness, my peace, my joy. And I think that's something really important that we need to do, especially, you know, this. I'm talking, you know, from the perspective of a a college student. I'm a young person. You know -my 20 somethings - paying rent...I don't like that.
[00:12:48] But, you know, there's a lot of societal factors. There can be a lot of, you know, familiar factors, just factors that kind of contribute to our mood on a day to day basis. And there's a lot of things that we can't control. But there's also a lot of things that we can. And, you know, I'm a firm believer in not complaining over something that I can control because if I can control it, there's no time for me to be complaining. The energy that I'm using to complain is energy that I should be using to address the issue. And then if I can't address the issue, like, I'll complain for a little bit, but me complaining isn't going to change it. So. You know, boo. But those are little steps I'm trying to take because I know that if I have a clean space, it'll free up my mental space, essentially. It's definitely a reflection. And I do that by making lists because I'll usually see things as I'm just moving around like, oh, I'm going to do that.
[00:13:45] I got to do that. I'm not always gonna remember it when the time comes. So I. I write things down. I make my lists and it feels really good. Like, really, really good when the list gets crossed off. Oh my God. It's. Wow. Things that bring you joy when you transform into an adult. It's very crazy. But it's been working. I just need to be more consistent. I started getting into routines a few weeks ago and then I kind of fell off just because I got sick and it was like a whole thing. But I've got to get back into it because, you know, now that the weather is changing, it's gonna start getting cold soon. And I'm going to be sad literally all the time. No, I'm not gonna put into the atmosphere. But, you know, cold weather is not my favorite. I'm a fall person. I'm not a winter person. And, you know, cold weather hurts my soul. But it will hurt my soul, less if, you know, my soul is nice and warm on the inside, which means, you know, I have to. Take the steps that I need to take it on to make myself happy, so that's having a clean space. That's, you know, going out, leaving the house, you know, in an outfit that makes me feel good. You know, look and feel good. But also, you know, obviously something that I'm comfortable in making sure that I have eaten or I have food to bring with me and I'm not going somewhere and I'm going to be hungry. You know, I've been doing a good job at seasoning my food and preparing my food, but not actually cooking it.
[00:15:15] And so I've had chicken marinating, for example, for the last two days that I was supposed to cook yesterday. And then I was supposed to cook it again tonight. I'm probably gonna cook it tomorrow. And once I cook it, it'll be great cause I'll be able to take it with some rice and some vegetables and travel with it if I have to. But I haven't taken the ten or fifteen minutes it's going to take for me to cook. And I couldn't tell you why. But things like that, those are things that I need to work on. And like, you know, once once I get that going, once I get that going and, you know, I've got nice outfits to wear throughout all four seasons and, you know, a job that pays me on top of my graduate assistantship because right now I'm only paying the bills and doing so just barely, once I get all those things together. I promise it's over for everyone. But until then, you know, you've got to prepare. You've got to do your thing. Sidebar. Really sorry. If you hear my heater going right now, it's, you know, it's cold outside, so I've got the heater on. So you probably definitely hear that in the background, but that's what that is. Just know that I'm warm and toasty and not freezing like I was a few weeks ago. Yeah. Also, you know, keep me posted about some of your lazy habits that you're trying to break, because, again, it's better if we if we tackle this together, you know, we're stronger numbers.
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[00:18:02] So I don't know what you need to do in order to, you know, get the get the ball rolling for yourself. What I do personally, as far as getting it together for the day and, you know, reminding myself of what my intentions are, I you know, I serve a one my one to God. Lord Jesus Christ and His father. But, you know, that's me. And if you serve some type of higher power or powers or entity, whatever the case is or even if it's just meditation, I definitely encourage you to start the day with that.
[00:18:38] Just to, you know, set the tone. In 2016, I believe I really got into a good groove. I've always, you know, gone to church. I've always been a Christian. But, you know, as far as the personal responsibility and accountability for myself, once 2016 hit, I just started the day with five minutes or even less than five minutes. But just a quick prayer, like thank you for waking me up. And, you know, I pray that the day you know, I you know, I take the day and I do what I need to do in order for me to come back tonight and be successful. Smooth, you know, and just the fact that I was able to do that and usually I'll try to end the night with at least one scripture a night of the Bible, just so you know, again, bring that positivity into my atmosphere. And there was such a dramatic shift. That was like that was one semester where I was getting eight hours of sleep nightly and I was going to work every day and I was going to step practice. And I was improving as a step-stepper and my endurance was going off and it was just lots of good. I was spending great times with my friends. My relationship at the time was going very well and it was just it was just good. And, you know, from then on, I just, you know, I I've adapted that. As time has gone on. But, you know, I still stay true to the principle. So now what I do is, you know, when I wake up, I'll do a quick thank you. And as I'm getting ready, I have a praise and worship playlist that I play. So, you know, I've got the Donnie McClurkin, the William Murphy, you know, just the nice the good, wholesome Bible - gospel songs.
[00:20:21] I don't turn up to the Kirk Franklin just yet in the morning, but I do the softer ones that, you know, the songs that essentially tell the story and just kind of set the tone for the day. And I, I listen to at least three of those songs before I listen to anything else. And I pray every morning for the day. And one of my affirmations that I've adopted over the last few months is "I claim a positive and productive day for myself. Let everything that is for me be for me and let everything else that is not be cast away. And please allow me to take advantage of opportunities that are presented to me and walk the path that is laid out for me." And, you know, it's it's for me that is relinquishing control over the situations that, you know, I have no control over. I spent a lot of time in my life stressing over things that I I cannot control. And, you know, it sometimes it would bring me to the point of physical sickness. Other times it would just, you know, stress out my mental. And, you know, saying this every day allows me to look at those things that I just really have no control over. And, you know, doing just doing my part up until the point where I literally cannot. And once I get to that point, then it's like, OK, I give it to you, God.
[00:21:36] And that's that's how I look at it. And that's done wonders for me. Because one that gives me time to focus again on the things that I can control, and two, it reminds me that, again, not everything is for me, not everything is my responsibility. So there's no reason for me to stress about things that shouldn't even concern me in the first place. And that helps it helps me maintain a relatively positive demeanor and...It's just the it's just an overall improvement of the day, and that's what I do. I need to be more physically active. I'm still going to step practice, even though I don't really have to. And, you know, definitely working out when I go, but not always. And I should, you know, go to the gym and take the gym seriously. But I just I've never liked gyms like weight rooms and things like that. I just never have. I would rather all the times I've worked out, I did karate and then I did dance and then I did step, you know, I mean, I would, you know, bike ride a lot or I would sometimes run, but it was never, you know, go to the gym and lift. I just just thinking about it now disgusts me. But that means I need to figure something else out because I do need to stay active. And, you know, I also.
[00:22:58] Want to be more consistent with this. If you're listening to this, that means that there should be one or two episodes preceding it and there should be one or two episodes available for you to listen to next. And if that's the case, that means I'm doing my job because my goal is to be consistent with this. And, you know, I'm not trying to let this be like other things where I fall off and there is, you know, months or even years worth of time in between, you know, point A and point B, no, we're doing this consistently because I also need to do this for myself and very grateful if anyone, you know, comes along for the ride. But even if even if no one does. I still need to do this and I still need to put this out there for my own sake. But so far, these are the things that I'm doing. These are things that I'm working on. And trying to do just to make myself feel better and to really maximize my potential as a person. Is it going to happen overnight? No. Do I wish it would? Yes. Am I somehow subconsciously going to try to make it happen overnight? Yeah. Will I be disappointed when it doesn't? Also.
[00:24:08] Yeah. Will, I get over it. Yeah. And, you know, it's I'm I'm I'm able to say that because I know myself and I'm really working hard to just really understand and know myself. And I've done a pretty good job doing that. The only thing I don't know is what I want to do with my life as far as career goes, which is also why, like I'm not working right now there's a lot going into that. But that's for another time. Make sure that you stay on top of everything, guys. Make sure that you are cleaning and washing your face at night. Make sure you change your pillowcases. Make sure you clean your room. Don't be a slob. And if it's going to be messy, at least let it be organized chaos. But ultimately, you know, do what's best for you. Make sure you're being kind to people. And if you can't, be kind to people just keep them away from you, be you authentically. I don't know. I don't know why this turned into, you know, decorative wall decor stickers that you find at the Christian bookstore. But I'm just trying to keep the positive vibe going. If you really want some positivity, go listen to Kimbra. She's got some great pop/R&B-ish music.
[00:25:25] She's from New Zealand. And I think she's great. I'm going to go see her in concert soon, and I'm very excited. But other than that, just be mindful of what your goals are for yourself. Actively work towards achieving them. You know, it's okay to be ambitious, but don't get disappointed when you don't see results in a day or even a week or even a month, even a year for the bigger ones, you know, be grateful that you're even able to work towards achieving whatever it is that you have on your list. Make sure that you just keep everything in mind, keep everything in perspective, it's so important to keep everything in perspective cause when you keep everything in perspective, you realize that you're not actually crazy. You are actually doing everything that you're supposed to be doing. But if you're not doing what you're not if you're not doing what you supposed be doing, then like, you know, get on it. But if you are, you know, find satisfaction in the fact that you are. And keep it pushing, man. I'll check in on ya next time, as long as you check in on me. All right. Thanks. Peace out, girl scouts.