16. No Sex Zone
Seazon 1 Episode 16
I was tired of having mediocre sex so I stopped altogether. It's now been over one (1) year!! Hahahaha… …..
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[00:01:25] And hello to all my homies. Welcome back to the episode of Catch some Zs. It's Z here. And today's episode is going to talk about sex and how I haven't had any in over a year.
[00:01:44] I don't want to say “viewer discretion advised” because up until this point, it really hasn't been and it's not really going to get explicit or, you know, any more explicit than previous episodes. But I guess if sex is a sensitive topic to you, then... Sure. You know, viewer listeners, discretion advised.
[00:02:00] But if you don't mind, I'm gonna get into it.
[00:02:07] So, yeah. July marks one full year of me not engaging in the coital activities. And I, I guess I made an abstinence claim.
[00:02:23] Towards the end of December, like the middle-end of December. But even I had already been inactive for those, what, six months leading up to it. Five months. And when I tell people this first of all, it's not like a it's not like a fun fact of mine that I go around like sharing just because, like I talk about with my homies. But it's, um, you know, a lot of people are interested in the what, the why, the how. And so I figured I'd share that with you guys. We're cool. I feel like we have that kind of connection, that relationship. We can be open and honest with one another. So, yeah, it went from me first, having sex with a boyfriend of mine in high school. No, in college and breaking up with that boyfriend and then deciding that I wanted to spend my senior year of college, quote unquote "thottin' and boppin'" I wanted to develop the proverbial ho-tation was not very successful.
[00:03:27] I mean, it depends on who you ask. You know, I did I did thot and bop a few times. I wasn't successful in creating a sustainable ho-tation and it was for the better.
[00:03:39] But yeah, but thotted and bopped with some individuals and. Yeah, I mean it was, it was fine I guess for the sake of, you know, getting out there. But there was no like life changing experience.
[00:04:00] And then I guess, you know, went on a few dates with this guy. I don't even know if we could really call it dates but or date, but like whatever and engaged in the coital activities with him. And, you know, just not...None none of it at all was really, you know, anything to write home about.
[00:04:20] And I just basically what kind of did it for me was I saw like a post somewhere and it was like, you know, "if you had to marry the last person that you had sex with, would you?"
[00:04:32] And I was like. "Heavens no." And then I was like, all right, maybe um let's go back a partner. Maybe maybe the person before that. Person before that.
[00:04:43] And the answer just it just kept being. No, I was like, all right.
[00:04:48] So maybe just a thought.
[00:04:52] Perhaps you should not be doing the things that you're doing with these people. And I thought that was really smart. And I was like, okay, so stop.
[00:05:01] And I did. But it's also a little bit deeper than that. Right. So historically, my taste in guys as far as who I'm attracted to and who I end up pursuing relationships with are the long and short of it is they're just they're not good.
[00:05:18] They're not good for me. They're not good for my own expectations and standards of my life. And it also ends up stressing out the boys that I'm like with. Right. And it's, you know, it's a two-way street.
[00:05:32] But I can I'm going to take responsibility from my end of things, which is, you know, me expecting X, Y and Z from people who, you know, can't get past A,B,C is really what it comes down to. But also going into those relationships, knowing that they're not going to be able to essentially meet my standards, but doing it anyway, because I give people the benefit of the doubt and because my boundaries when it comes to relationships are or historically, you know, have been just not secure or not concrete and all of that, you know, it plays out in ways that can be potentially they could have been way worse than they have been, but it's still too much stress and still too much like just emotional investment for for things that aren't worth it you know, so I had to stop.
[00:06:29] You know, I thought I was like, oh, you can just have sex with people, you don't have to have a relationship like - it still is a relationship to some degree, like it's not necessarily your boyfriend, your girlfriend, anything like that. But you still have to have some sort of relationship with that person in order to get to the sex part. And even those you know, those I guess transactional relationships still take a toll if you, you know, navigate them a particular way. And I had not unlocked the secret of coasting and getting what I wanted.
[00:07:05] So it just wasn't for me. And I had to stop everything altogether really. And a few episode - well, some episodes back when I was talking about romances in relationships and stuff, I mentioned a character named The Boy who was in my life a little bit. And right before I kind of made this claim of abstinence in like late mid-December, I was kind of holding out on it because he seemed like the type that was going to, you know, really fulfill all of my dreams as far as, like sex went. And so I was kind of waiting to see if he was gonna show up and show out. He never got the chance.
[00:07:44] [Imitating the 6ix9ine meme] "You were never gonna get the chance." But yeah, no, we never made it there.
[00:07:50] And I was like, all right. So that's just kind of confirmation that I don't need to be doing this right now. And so I stopped.
[00:08:00] And I guess it was in time for the new year again, like, not that you need to wait for the New Year to do new things, but whatever New Year, new me, feel me? And so I made the official like claim. Pretty sure it was like December, like twenty seventh. Twenty sixth, maybe.
[00:08:15] I was like, I'm just going to be abstinent for for until Lent or rather Easter. I gave myself like I guess quarter goals. So I was like, I'm going to start now. It's already been, you know, five months. What's another four or five months? So...let's rock till Easter and see how you're feeling and then go from there. So Easter came and went and I said, OK, I'm gonna keep this up until the end of summer 2020. You know, unless the man of all men shows up and decides to change change the course of destiny. He did not show up. And something tells me that he might not show up for quite some time. And I'm okay with that. That's the other thing. Right. But I'll get into that a little bit later. So I said I was going to let it rock until summer 2020. But I'm really thinking we're just gonna finish...(I mean, that's what year is this 19?) So I said summer 2019. And then I said, let's just keep it going all the way to 2020. So we're in the middle of summer 19 now.
[00:09:27] Yeah, I, I'm really not at this point in time.
[00:09:32] I'm really not in any rush to have sex again just because again, another reason, you know, aside from my own poor discipline, is just that the sex I was having was more often than not mediocre. And I don't deserve that. You know, I didn't have sex all through high school just because I was, like, guilty and have I still have a close relationship with my mom. But, like, it was just me and her in high school. And I just kind of felt like if I was out having sex and came home to live under her roof. I just kind of felt like everything that we built would just like go to shit. So I was like, I'm not going to do it. And... RIP to my highschool boyfriend's penis. But, you know, we did what we had to do, but he just didn't get any pussy.
[00:10:19] And so I got to college and I wasn't in a relationship and I wasn't really trying to thot and bop. And then when I got in my relationship, I was like, alright, now, now is the time. And, you know, I enjoy sex. That's the moral of the story is I enjoy sex, but I only enjoy good sex.
[00:10:32] And so when I started trying to experiment with different people, it was just rough because I wasn't familiar with the politics of, you know, just hooking up and, you know, what the expectations were. And so it was like fine, each each instance was fine, don't get me wrong. Like, it was fine. Well, most of them were. There was one time that I did do a- but more often than not, everything was fine, but it wasn't great. Like it's what I needed at the time, but still looking back I’m like, OK, like probably wouldn't do it again.
[00:11:09] And I just really feel like that's not how you should be viewing sex. You know, it should be fun. It should be exciting. Everyone - there should be orgasms everywhere and that wasn't the case.
[00:11:21] And so part of my discipline... because I just I personally don't think that I'm going to get to great sex by having exclusively mediocre sex for X amount of days, weeks, months, years.
[00:11:36] No, no.
[00:11:39] And even if that's the method, then I'm fine. It's like I'm good off that. I don't need it.
[00:11:45] There are other ways. Yeah. So no. But that's kind of my thought process. And it's it's a mix of, again, like I said, my own discipline or lack thereof when it came to partners. And then just also like, you know, the actual experience, the actual physical activity.
[00:12:08] It just wasn't living up to what it needed to be.
[00:12:10] And I just don't feel like I need to be the one putting myself into those situations. Like many of those situations, if not all of them there was a level of control that I had and I still allowed myself to be disappointed. And so, yeah, I can get upset at, you know, the people who weren't making me come. But the fact of the matter is, you know, I got to their beds in the first place and that's really no one's fault but my own. And sometimes you got to be able to take those L's. But I'm also done taking L's so. Yeah. But like I said, it's been about. No it's been over a year now. I'm not you know, I don't feel like I'm in a drought. I'm not, I'm not in heat. It just, it is what it is. And I was telling one of my friends that the day was coming up and she's like, so what are you doing the next day? Or Who you doing the next day? And I was like, girl, no one, like I. It's just it's not even like appealing to me right now.
[00:13:22] Yeah. So I'll take a quick break. I'm going to come back and talk about, I guess, what the expectations are now moving forward.
[00:13:34] Yeah. BRB guys.
[00:13:39] I would like to also give a special shout out to the wonderful creators of Adultin' Series for inviting me to go on Instagram Live with them after their airing of their sex episode on Adultin' Series. It was also, I believe, the season finale. These women spent months putting together a Web series. And I mean, I've spoken about them already on the show, but they spent months putting together this Web series and, you know, going to their full real adult jobs and then coming home to work on the thing that they were the most passionate about. And they crowdfunded and they used their resources and their skills and their talents to create something so dope and so beautiful and just found today that they were nominated for a Web series award or a creator's award.
[00:14:22] And I just like well, I mean, I'm not surprised that that's really what comes down to. But we had a fun discussion on Instagram Live on Monday night preceding this episode, and it was great. Thank you to everyone who tuned in and engaged in the conversation even though we had some connectivity problems. It was okay. I love that you guys were as engaged as you were. And some of the things we talked about, which I will get into now as well. You know, first I'm going to talk about what my expectations are moving forward. But a lot of people in the comments of the Instagram live also touched upon some pretty interesting issues as well. So we're going to just kind of make it all happen. Well, like moving forward for me, you know, like I'm this year off has been very rewarding. It's been more rewarding than it has been,like, not because, again, like it's it's cliche, but it's like "oh you get to learn about yourself."
[00:15:23] Like I have been and, you know, I'm reflecting on like not even like my actual commitment relationships, but just the relationships I've had with guys that were relatively transactional and like what, you know, both of us, we're trying to get out of it. And it's like, you know, it was very rarely high quality circumstances. And it's like it was really those situations where if it were anybody else, like, I would be advising I'd be advising them to not get into those situations. And then yet here I was doing the very thing that I would encourage other people not to do. And it's like, you know, wild, hypocritical.
[00:16:00] Like, that's that's crazy. It's hypocritical, A.F. And, you know, that's not my that's not my jam. And so I was like, OK, you're going to stop doing that. And I mean, I did it. It wasn't like everything just turned off, like with the flick of a switch. But I had to really like. I spent a lot of time, like I said, reflecting, looking at my own patterns, my own habits.
[00:16:25] And being, like, OK, like these things point blank period, you don't like doing and they don't reap any rewards for you.
[00:16:32] So why do you keep engaging in this type of behavior. And it was like, oh, because you're being dumb. It's like you stop being dumb. And I was like, OK, so that's a process that like even you know, sometimes I still have now. But it's like, you know, there's no there's no penis out there that's worth as much stress as I was going through in some situations.
[00:16:52] And like I hear stories about men and women and everyone in between. It's not just like a girl thing or a guy thing like no there's like so many people who just moved so much shit around just so they can, like secure the sex bag.
[00:17:08] And it's like. But for what?
[00:17:10] Like what does this person have, like, legitimately. Like what does this person have that anyone else doesn't have? Because it's not like, you know, the people that we're around, it's not like anybody is, you know, rich.
[00:17:25] No one is investing in you to any capacity. No one's paying any of your bills. No one is offering you, you know, mental stability, emotional availability, like no one's offering you that. You know, this person that you're trying to have sex with is not giving you that versus someone else who is like everyone is not offering anything. And yet here we are going through all of this trouble to like.
[00:17:46] For what? For nothing. That's what. And that's something I had to recognize. I was like, listen, like, if I'm gonna waste my time, you know, I've got to get something out of it. I was wasting my time for people to not make me even come? I wasn't asking for much except like at least a one orgasm.
[00:18:04] ...the math. The math is not there.
[00:18:09] So I had to stop. Look, again, the cost benefit analysis was not yielding any profits, you know, in my direction. So I let it go. And so moving forward, I really - what it comes down to is I need to really establish and secure my romantic boundaries when it comes to guys and whether it's like dating for exclusivity, for commitment, or if it's just to secure a sex bag, like regardless. I'm not you know, I'm not selling myself short just to make other people comfortable like I, I first I used to do it for the sake of just everyone who was uncomfortable, no matter what type of relationship we had. But that didn't last very long. So if literally every other aspect of my life, professional, interpersonal, platonic friendships, you know, familial ones, if all of those aspects are taken care of and I no longer water myself down to appease other people, why in the hell would I do that for some bum boy? Huh?
[00:19:14] So, you know, I just gotta fix fix all of that, because it's just it's just very inappropriate. Is it responsible if we're being frank. So I need to - you know - that's part of why this year has been really no issue. And I'm I'm coming back into, like, my original self, like I think about when I was younger and how I had goals for myself. And I was like, this is the type of people I want to surround- it was even just like, you know, partners. It was like, you know, these are the type of friends I have and this is the type of family that I have. And when I you know, when it comes time for me to have a romantic partner, this is what he's gonna be like. And then, you know, for whatever reason, well, you know, puberty and society and, you know, different emotional states, all that kind of culminates. And, you know, you know, it makes a really messed up soup of nonsense. And you eat that for a while. You get a little bit sick. Anyway, the point is, you know, we we we we passed that now. That's done. That's dead. And yeah. So moving forward, it's just, you know, like everything else in my life, if it's not, you know, helping me grow and develop as an individual, if it's not benefiting me in some palpable in some really sustainable and productive way. I don't need it. And yeah, and unfortunately, right now, sex has to be, you know, a casualty of that. But it is what it is. I, I will be OK. I promise you I'll be fine.
[00:20:42] So there's that. Last... Whenever we did Live people were talking about, you know, marriage. You know, what are your views on marriage and what are your views on role-playing during sex? And like all of these things and we addressed role-playing a little bit, mostly people in the comments were a little bit. Shout out to you Lish. Lish said cops and robbers, cops and robbers is her her jam.
[00:21:10] Unfortunately, you haven't made me come. Why would I play dress up with you? So can't really speak to that experience yet, but I will let you know. People were asking about like the type of porn they like and they said that ebony porn is not as well directed and produced, as you know, I guess mainstream porn is. And so if you have an apt for filmmaking and you want to, you know, against the adult film industry, please do we need more black directors and producers in the porn industry.
[00:21:40] At one point, the girls got into marriage and, you know, Paulie said she she said, why do I need to get married? We can just have a commitment and understand that, you know, it's a legal contract. It's a document. And if I need you to be my health proxy, then you'll sign the health proxy form. But we don't need to get married. But we love each other. And Kayra and Malique were like, you know, it depends on the situation. Like, if I love-love you like, that's cool. But also we got in to talking about polyamory and like, what's that like? Can people really even be monogamous? Girl, I don't know.
[00:22:12] All I know is if I'm settling down with anybody, you got to match my fly and ideally my tax bracket. And if you don't match my tax bracket, you've got to be willing to help me get to where that tax bracket is. Yeah. That's about... Those are my thoughts right now. I said this before. I'll say it again.
[00:22:34] My dream is, as of right now, to mimic the lifestyle of Tracee Ellis Ross in that she lives in this big house and she's got great skin and she goes swimming whenever she wants. She doesn't seem to be bogged down by any man's nonsense, and I'm kinda in support of that kind of feeling it high key. So we will see. But, you know, anything is possible. People said, what are their dream like sex locations or like sex fantasies. I'd like to do it on a yacht, preferably owned by the man that I'm engaging in the activities with.
[00:23:12] Someone said on the roof thing that was Zora -hey Zora- on the roof somewhere.
[00:23:20] It's fun. Also probably different countries. I'm into that. Yeah. Talk about exploring. Anyway...
[00:23:30] But all of these things will come (the way I should) in the future. And that's OK. You know, I had such a warped relationship with sex for such a very long time. But at the same time, I was fascinated by it.
[00:23:43] And that's such an interesting way to go about life, I guess.
[00:23:52] And I'm even though I'm not engaging in any sex right now, I'm still learning so much about the different ways it affects people. And like just like the overall energy transfer.
[00:24:00] And like, you know, I'm not there's a difference between, like having my, quote unquote angry sex, I guess, and then someone actually like unleashing their full burdens, like onto you during that activity. And it's like, you know, why? Why do I - Why would I want to put myself through that? You know, if you hate yourself on the inside and you hate the world on the outside and you want to have sex with me? For what? So now I can also hate the world and myself? I don't think so.
[00:24:27] So there's like just all those issues. And then, there's just like weirdos out there, like, you know, there's weirdos everywhere. But it's like, I don't want to have sex with weirdos, you know, you don't always know ahead of time. And I was saying this on live too like, I'm pretty aggressive and straight forward in that like, if it's like a one night stand or if it's like I know you. And this is something we planned, regardless, I'm going to let you know what my expectations are. Right. So we've already talked about whether or not you've been tested and like what's going on. But, you know, I will let you know like I... I should come by the end of this.
[00:25:04] And, like, if I don't, I'm going to let you know. And you're going to have to figure something out to either make it up to me or make sure that it doesn't happen again for your future partner. You know, I'm saying like, it's it's fine. We can you know, we're open, but.
[00:25:18] People still, you know, come come in with this expectation of, oh, like, yeah, it's about to be great ... I especially like I mean, I haven't had sex with a girl, so I can't speak to a girl on girl experience.
[00:25:29] I've only had heterosexual sex. I know it's tragic, but it's it's who I am. But, you know, I've I've been in situations where guys are like, you know, oh, yeah, I'm about to handle that. And, you know, they don't do? Handle it. And, you know.
[00:25:50] But then I'm the bad guy when I tell them that they didn't handle it after the fact or, you know, sometimes during. So. Oh! Oh, guys. Oh, my gosh. I thought I stopped recording.
[00:26:06] You heard the disappointment in my voice just now. That's the same disappointment that I talk to them with.
[00:26:12] When I when I leave the situation unsatisfied anyway…Yeah.
[00:26:18] Like, you know, if we're engaging. First of all, if we're having sex, you know, we should be comfortable enough to talk to each other. And like, if you kiss me and tell me things that you like and I can fulfill them and I sit here and tell you the things that I like and you can't like what. What is that? What is that is bullshit is what it is. So all of these things, you know, I.
[00:26:42] I've been free from for the last year and some change, and it's just it's the longer I go without it, the more it's gonna take for someone to convince me that, you know, having sex with someone is going to be a great idea. You know what I mean? And so, like, it's really at this point, it's like I we've got to have, like, an explosive attraction to one another and like be on relatively the same wavelength mentally. And I say that meaning like you can't hate yourself like that's the bare minimum, you can't hate yourself, you can't hate the world. You've got to be happy with yourself moderately. Moderately happy with your life. Because I'm happy with myself and I'm pretty happy with my life. And, you know, you gotta be, you know, just, you know, clean. It's all it's really it's a very it's a very simple expectation, you know, I'm saying.
[00:27:34] But it's it's sad because the bar before that was nonexistent. Yeah. So. That's where I'm coming from. That's what I want.
[00:27:45] That's what I'm going to get. And I'm just really not entertaining anything that deviates from that at all right now.
[00:27:53] And sure. Like, would I like to have sex with whomever I want whenever I want. Yeah, totally.
[00:27:59] But am I also at peace and happy knowing that I'm not stressing over things that ultimately aren't beneficial to me and distracting me from my work, my hobbies, my podcasts, my own personal sanity, my sleep time and, you know, free space in my bed.
[00:28:15] Also, no, like, I mean, or yes, I forgot the question, but the point is I'm fine and it's cool.
[00:28:21] So, you know, I'm chillin straight up.
[00:28:26] But, you know, I... People this is this is an interesting thing to talk about, which is why I'm doing it. Also, like, shout out to me with a milestone that's lit period. So, yeah, I'll be back in a little bit to keep talking and wrap this up.
[00:28:48] You want to hear a funny story, guys?
[00:28:49] I started recording this segment and it only got about 20 seconds in and then stopped recording. But I didn't actually know that until maybe about three minutes in, hahaha funny. So anyway, I like to leave you guys with some content to look over. So not look over, but just consider that goes with this. You get it. I don't have to explain myself to you. Anyway, the point is, I found Girlfriends online by the grace of God. I've been looking for it for quite some time because I wanted to revisit it as an adult since it was a show that, like my mom and sometimes my sister would watch when I was younger. Obviously, I couldn't really relate to it because I was like five. But, you know, now that I'm older, it's great. As it turns out, I am 80 percent Joan, 15 percent Tony. About five percent Lin. And it's so crazy to me because literally the episode, like the second episode, the girls started clowning Joan because she hadn't had sex in a year. And it was like, what? But hers was more so circumstantial. Mine is more so by choice, but still. And it was just so crazy because I started watching that episode like a few days after the the year mark had passed.
[00:30:05] And I was like, I am Joan. Joan is me. It's OK, though. But the whole the whole point of that is, well, at least for me, it's you know, this is my way of working on something that I guess is important to me. And this, you know, me not having sex for the last year is not to say like, oh, you know, don't have sex for a year people, because that's how you fix whatever issues like. That's not necessarily it. But for me, you know, I would rather not waste my time on something and go about everything from a completely different perspective as opposed to like continuing on a path of nonsense. Right? Because I originally approached everything just from just from like a very not good place. And that's what ended up happening. Like, that's that's that those are the results I got. Like, the foundation was not sturdy. So, you know, what came next was not sufficient, essentially. So this is kind of myself. This is me giving myself a clean slate for things. But again, like, you know, what I will encourage you to do is like if you have something that you want to work on again, it's not necessarily abstaining from it or diving into it 100 percent.
[00:31:24] But it or that that also like may be it for you. I don't know what it is, but just consider areas of your life that you may not be 100 percent pleased with and just think of actual, real practical ways that you can go about improving those situations. And sometimes, like me, it may be something that's a little bit more severe, but it's OK, you know, because in the long run, it pays off. And yeah, I don't have much content to recommend to you besides Girlfriends, the Tuesdays Tunes preceding this episode where kind of sex focused. But that's just because I'm funny. I'm pretty sure by the time this episode drops, the Instagram lives from Adultin Series and Catch Some Z's will be expired. So if you missed it, oh well. But if you want to see another live or anything else like that, definitely hit up the comments or reach out to us on Twitter so we can do more things like that, because we definitely had fun - the whole group. And it doesn't obviously does not to be just about sex. It can be, but it can also be about whatever you want. But definitely let me and or us know [sings].
[00:32:42] Yes, guys, that's probably it. The way I see it right now and probably not going to, like, go into actual real date or a fake date for that matter, until, like after I graduate with my masters.
[00:32:58] So that's like May 2020. And, like, I'm - again - I'm really OK with it, like, it's fine, you know, ask me this.
[00:33:09] Like, six years ago, I 100 percent thought that if I was getting a graduate degree, like I'd have like a fiancee who was there to support me. But now I - my mom talks about like, oh, you when you get married, I'm like, yuck! That's so ghetto! But again, you know, my my feelings may change in the future. We don't know. But until then, I'm just taking this very sweet time to continue to learn about myself, figure myself out the things I like, things I don't like. And I would much rather do it, you know, with me, as opposed to like bringing people along the way for it and then wasting my time as well as theirs.
[00:33:43] Yeah. No. I prefer efficiency.
[00:33:48] So that's where I'm at. So shout out to me 365 plus days, no sex. You got more questions, comments or concerns about that. Mind your business, haha, just kidding. Again, you can hit me up on catch some Z's, Instagram or Twitter. If you're listening to this, you probably know where to find me already.
[00:34:08] But if not, it's in the bio catchsomezzzs on Twitter. catchsomezzzs_ underscore on Instagram.
[00:34:21] All right guys, that's all I've got for you on this fine day. Thank you so much for tuning in. Again, thank you to everyone who tuned in for the Instagram live with Adultin' Series and Catch Some Z's. Once again, congrats to Adultin' Series for their nomination for the award that they're nominated for, which the name escapes me right now. But it's OK. Just know that they're lit.
[00:34:42] And I don't know, guys, stay positive. It's a hot summer right now, but it's OK. Real hot girl shit, ah! Yeah, but, you know, do ultimately do the things that are best for you and try not to, you know, burn too many bridges and hurt too many people in the crossfire. I'm going to go because it's getting hot and I kind of wanna go to bed.
[00:35:10] So night, night! Catch you later, guys. Bye.